In January I said, “Just wait a few more days,” that was four months ago! Unbelievable!
September 1995 diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and denied it.
November 2000 emerged from denial.
November 2000- June 2008 tried every available MS pharmaceutical and almost every alternative. My body didn’t respond.
May 2008 looked into in-home health care.
June 2008 John Hopkins High Dose of Cytoxin (HiCy) for MS.
October 2008 MRI proved remission.
Why am I still using a walker most of the time? Am I the Queen of Denial and is it not really possible to develop new pathways in my brain? Or am I procrastinating and avoiding the focus?
I would say I’m procrastinating. I have learned through the MS years that the walker is a trump card. Everyone has storms, as Nick Vujicic calls it. Not all of them are visible. Some people have emotional or relationship issues, addictions or unseen health issues, the list goes on. With this visual image of a walker, no one can deny that I have a reason for not doingâ€¦. I can truly do anything that I want to. My daughter argues that point, “But Mom,” she says, “You can’t walk.”
When I got the MRI results back almost 2 years ago stating that the MS was in remission, I started working hard. I would work hard and make progress. Just like back in the early days of relapsing – remitting MS, I’d wake up and all the progress I made was lost. There is no new damage in my brain, but the damage that was done is done.
I decided to make movies about my progress in hopes that knowing people are watching would motivate me to keep working. It’s interesting to see myself handle my life the way I am! I am allowing myself to focus on different things.
As my husband was watching me post this movie on YouTube, I said to him, “I’m really deceiving everyone.” Or maybe I’m deceiving myself.
Reality is I want to do the easy things (they haven’t always been easy): eat the right foods (which I am), drink the right drinks (I’ve tried EVERYTHING), moderately exercise, get enough sleep, then wake up in the morning with my brain healed. I want to wake up with new pathways created.
It’s obvious that no matter how many friends I have on facebook or followers on Twitter, no matter how beautiful my blog is, new pathways won’t be formed in my brain without the work. No denying.
I’ve never been afraid of work. Why now? Why this? Fear? Fear of the possibility that maybe I can’t? My tears indicates that I hit the nail on the head. If I stay focused on my online success, I’ll never have to focus on my physical success. As long as I keep using my walker, no one expects anything different.
OK~ this is it!! It’s time.
I’ll slow down (can I be any slower?) and walk around the house with a cane instead of the walker all day. I’ll get off the computer at least every hour and walk around the house.
I’ll never succeed if I never try.
I have been blessed with everything I need to try. I have legs, I have arms.
Here’s to the trying ~ I’m toasting my glass of purified water~